Love locked down

Friday, June 29, 2007

You will never see me cry.

Raudhah.

A cheerful girl who likes to laugh her lungs out.She is very friendly and everyone wants to befriend with her.She is a girl full of hopes and dreams and I am sure she will make a dreams comes to reality.Insya'alla.Its been month since I saw her.I am surprised to say that I dont miss her in any way.I am absolutely ok with it.The last time she ever sms-ed me was during my birthday.I cannot deny that I love being with her.She keep me laugh.But sadly to say that I always feel so low.She will critic me like I have no feelings.I do feel hurt sometimes but I didnt show it.She somehow dont support me.Once,she saw me reading a book and she said to me "kau bace buku?jgn nak step mcm phm uhh..floor is lantai,kau jgn nak step pandai".I was hurt deep down inside but I tried my heart not to take her words so seriously that I pretend to laugh and took it as a joke.She always bully me and only CERTAIN days when she really be ggod to me.It is when she have a problem with Mubin and that she wants to blurt everything out.When it comes to her problems,somehow it turned out to be my problem too.I was used by my cousin Mubin to solve their problems.Their problem is my problems too.Once I thought that I could express my problems to Mubin because I was always there for him when he was needed a helping hand.But i was wrong,he can never listen to me.I was always wondering why am I being so good yet no one appreciate it.yet,they took advantage of me.They will look upon me when they are in trouble but when I am really in need of someone to talk to,Mubin and Raudhah are never actually there for me.I was crying deep inside.I was dissapointed but I never show it.

Hidayah.

She was once my favourite cousin.We were so close.Hidayah is a very sensitive and funny petite lil girl.She is 17 this year but she look more like 15.She have a sweet smile and I respect her in anyways.When she was in trouble,i was always there for her.When she cried,I was there to dry her tears.Things get worse between us and she always blame me like I was wrong always.I knew she hated me but I have no freaking idea why.She spam at my blog but she didnt used her real name.She tag at my lil sister blog saying that she felt sorry for my lil sis for having a big sister like me.She also said that if I didnt changed then evryone will hate me.I was so sad and dissapointed of her.I respect her and treat her as an adult because I thought she really deserve it from me.And now,she just forget about her cousins.She is always soo busy with her work and er BOYFRIEND.She never ever ask me out anymore and spent time together and when she was out with me and raudhah,she was always be the one who create problem.Like I said,she is very sensitive.So when she was upset with raudah,I was the only one among the cousins that she have that will go to her and cheer her p.But when it comes to me,no one is actually there.I am again being used.

You see bloggy.I was always kind towards them but somehow they take advantage of me.I dont understand why.And now,I have decided not to trust anyone excluding izzi,abg faiz,kak aishah,my family and myself.I will never share my problems to people because I know that they will never care about it and I understand that they also have their own problems.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME CRY.

11:37 PM
Yours truly.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I was amused yet impressed with what I feel right now.I was totally a different person.The person that I know was no longer exist in me.I was a brand new person with a brand new perspective of life.I was no longer a pessimistic but an optimistic.I no longer look down on myself because I know that I was equal with the rest of my friends.I was not a freak anymore.I was much more discipline and hardworking.I used to take things for granted but it's over for now.I am a believer.I believe that I can achieve my dream.Sad to say that I used to have a bestfriends but not anymore.It was hard for me to trust anyone in this world.For all I know,they will backstab me oneday or either they talk bad behind me.To prevent that from happening,I make a decision not to have any bestfriends instead I want to befriend with anyone.I treasure my family and I love them so much.They are the love of my life and without their sacrifices and all their hardwork,I wouldnt be studying right now.I have to say that I am much more mature right now but I do have some kidness in me.I do not share my problems because I know that other people hav their own problems too plus I don't think I have a friends who would want to lend their shoulders for me.All this while,I have been standing on my own feet for the most of the time.Raudhah whom I used to call my "sisters" was never there for me.She was only there with me when she really2 needed me.I was always a "shoulder lender" and I sincerely love to help people,but somehow people tends to take advantage of me.I mean,I couldnt be there for them like 24 hours and I seriously cannot answer their problems and solve it for them.Friends have been calling me and asking me about the solutuion.I was irritated at times but I pushed myself because I know that they needed it.I am never to complain about me not having any friends who really2 go through thick and thins together but I just couldnt understand why.hmmmm.I guess I have to be on my own and that is the best solution.Sometimes,I feel so alone.Bloggy,you are what I needed in this kind of situation when I really feel lonely.Alright,enough of being so emo because I am not.Well urm,I have to end it here.

7:51 AM
Yours truly.

Why oh Why.

SCHOOL.

School was fun today.We had SPECIAL assembly.My classmates performed a rock band at the stage.We had a concert because we are celebrating Youth Week.It was fun with all the shouting.Well urm,I have to say that MR EDDY just melt my heart.He is HOT.His voice can melts a girl's heart I tell you.Everyone was shouting and cheering for him.He is VERY POPULAR among the school.All the students adore him.yup yup.He's cute.hehe.Mr Ng was away for reservist so he is not in school for 1 week.I do miss him.I can't wait for him to return back to school.I am very sure that there will be a lot of sharings to do.I love when he tells us about his life and the GENERAL KNOWLEDGE that he used to gave us.I miss that.Come back soon MR NG.

LIFE.

Life goes on smoothly.I have to agree that life have been very hectic.All work no play.I have my own time-table for myself which I will follow it respectively.I must be very discipline you know.I have to learn to struggle and and sacrifice my time blogging and watching tv.I must not slack too much.It is the time for me to buck up my studies and I mean it.I have to show some improvement.I must not lack behind.I know that I am capable of anything only IF I give my best and not giving up.That is what I will promise to myself.

FRIENDS.

After all those advises given.I dont think she is improving.I dont know what else I can do.I can anly sit and watch what will happen next.I know what she is up to right now.Not only me,Izzi suspected it too.I have no freaking idea why she did it but I guess she must have been SEEKING FOR ATTENTION.Let her be what she wanna be.Icant force her to changed not till she is WILLING to learn from her mistake.I dont know when will she continue being like this.All I can do is to pray to gad that one god will help her thru and I wish her the best in her life.

2:59 AM
Yours truly.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

I couldnt understand it but WHY?

I couldnt understand why Zimah is being so weird.She couldnt tag along to the Sentosa trip because there was no teachers but in the end she went to Queensway.And I find that it's hard for her to go out with sisterhood when she can easily go out with her sisterlurp.I just dont understand.

Well nvm.

Like I said to myself.

I DONT TRUST ANYONE excluding Izzi.

All their words are somehow SUPER FAKE.

1:53 AM
Yours truly.

I have to STRUGGLE and MAKE SACRIFICES and then I will only SUCCEED.

School is re-opening tomorrow and I am so hype up.I miss school especially my friends,teachers and lesson.I have to say that the June Hols are long yet so fast.In a blink of an eye,the June hols are soon over.I have yet to do my english homeworks and the submission is like TOMORROW.I am in deep trouble.To be honest,I spent most of my June Hols going back to school for art lesson and also self study but somehow,the self-study turned out to be a talking session.I have iron my school uniform and I am only left with packing my school bag and finishing all my homeworks.Gosh I've got a lot of work to do.

Yesterday's Sentosa outing was great.I have loads of fun and laughters especially when Abg faiz is around.He never fail to make all of us laugh.After suntanning ourselves at Siloso beach.we went to Vivo city to catch our dinner.We were pretty hungry so Banquet was on our list.I ate the same Lemon Chicken Rice because that is the cheapest food I can find at Banquet.After that,Abg Faiz and his Dad went off to perform their prayers at the nearby Mosque and then meet up with me,lil sis and kak aishah.Kak Aishah,lil sis and me bought lollipops.And it taste so awesome.We cam-whore at the Vivo rooftop.As sson as they returned from the Mosque,we followed them to the NIKE shop as they want to bought a pair of shoe for them.I look at them with envy.Lil sis and me reached home at 10.30 pm.It was an unforgettable day.

I HAVE TO STRUGGLE AND MAKE SACRIFICES.

have leraned that in order for me to succeed,i MUST learn to struggle thru and make a lot of sacrifices.I must learn to cut down on my TV and my LAZYNESS.I have to be strong.I MUST put in a lot of effort.I MUST DARE TO DREAM and I MUST HAVE A POSITIVE BELIEFS.I cannot have low self-esteem.I MUST BELIEVE IN MYSELF.I MUST NOT SAY THAT I AM STUPID.Everyone is born with a SAME BRAIN.It is the matter of how YOU TRAIN YOUR BRAIN.And now,I love to read inspirational stories.It helps me a lot.And bloggy,I have to be thankful that I have you because without you,I am such a Loner with no one to express my feelings.Thanks A lot.

SIGNING OFF.

1:00 AM
Yours truly.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Its never too late.

Let me talk about my life.I found it interesting.I was born with a name of course and that is Syahirah.I was blessed with daddy and momsie.They are such a nice people.I also have a lil sister and a lil brother.They rock my life I tell you andobviously,I Love them like TRUCKLOADS.I went to Teck Whye primary school,a school with so much of fun and laughters.To talk about it,I really miss my primary girlfriends and they are what I call TRUE FRIENDS.I was in track and field for my cca in primary four till primary six.To be honest,I love sports and for that,i turned out to be a tomboy and surprisingly everyone in my primary school knew it.I wasnt ashame about it because I know I was being myself.Despite being a tomboy,two guys actually had a crush on me and I was like WTH!!When I reached primary six,I started to be a bit feminine.No longer short hair so I had one-length haircut.I look pathetic with that haircut but i couldnt care less at that point of time.Primary life was SUPERB.I was posted to Fajar Secondary school.It is a boring school I have to say but the people are not boring.They are really HUMANS.Fajar Secondary school have a friendly environment and I started making friends.I was in class 1E3 and the proceed to 2E3.My classmates were so insane that it drives me crazy.I love them and i SWEAR.The people are just so funny and crazy like me.I was attached to Rauf in secondary one and it was not a serious one so we broke off and I asked for it.The next thing I knew,I was in love with my own classmates when I was in sec 2.It didnt last too beacuse the guy busted me and more over I started to hate him to the core and I am still hating him up till now.I was then posted to 3e5 and currently 4e5.I totally changed.I started to smoke and mixed with bad company because I was so mad with dad who dont even support me for being so active involving in school activities and sports.I started to be wild that I talked back to my parents.I was insane at that particular time.Many things happened between my life in sec 3 and currently in sec 4 but I have to say that I was really insane this year.I was an innocent good looking girl on the outside but a devil on he inside.I love revenge and all I do was to revenge with people whom I really hate.I SWEAR alot.But things changed slowly.I was matured now and I really do.I have learned my lesson and I am really turning over a new leaf.I have quit smoking and I am proud of that.No more mixing with bad company.All I want to do right now is to repect my family,study hard and help people in any ways.I have no bestfriend as I have no one to share my problems with so this is the reason why I blog,to express all my feelings inside here.My friends always look for me when they have problems so they get an advises from me.I enjoy advising my friends and I wish to be a counsellor one day.I am a loner sometimes.I do not have a bestfriends because I trust no one in this life excluding my family.My friends are just my casual friends and I treat them equally.To me,life is never suck.We are given a life to live it to the fullest and to enjoy our life wisely.My theory is simple.TO LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE WISELY.dats all. ;)

2:13 AM
Yours truly.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Is it wrong for a girl to be fit?

I was always wondering..Is it so wrong for a simple and normal girl like me to have just a simple abs and a simple biceps for my body?I mean I love to work out and its been a long time since I work out.I have been very not myself for 1 year.I love sport and I am absolutely fit not untill Dad have been nagging on me about me being so active in sports.After his nagging,I find myself so irritated and so as not to get myself any more irritated,I stop going for my softball training and i have stop work out.And for that,i have became a lazybum.I grow fatter.Usually when I feel bored,I will work out or go out for some sports with my friends.After I stopped from working out and stuff,I was so bored that I picked up smoking.Smoking fill my boredom.I was so stupid to pick up a bad habit which is to smoke.And now,I just want to lead a healthy life and enjoy sports.I dont want to stop myself from doing things that I really have passion in it.So why not give it a try.I want to start to work out and play some sports with friends.I want to make some new friends that is so into sports.Sadly to say that my sisterhood is not so crazy about sports.They were more to relaxing and stuff.Damn,I dont want to grow fat.I mean im not saying that they are fat but I just want to be myself.Well,I shall stop here now.i cant wait to start to work out with my new friends.

7:19 AM
Yours truly.

Monday, June 18, 2007

My Black Cardy is no where to be found.

Cardy!I so need you.Where have you been?I have searched you in my whole entire house but still I couldnt find you!Are you lost somewhere outside my house or are you playing hide and seek with me inside my house.Yes bloggy,I lost my black cardy and I just bought it like last saturday and I've only used it like 2 days only.baaaahhhh!!!I love my black cardy because I've been wanting that cardy for such a long time and when I already have it,I managed to used it for only 2 days and its gone!I really want it back.Where can it be?boohoo.Oh cardy,please come back to me.I promise I wont abandon you anymore.I am pleading you cardy,please come abck to me.I am like missing you truckloads.I need you like soo much.I hate my other cardy because they never suit me and they are not perfect for me.You are the only cardy that suits me and is like so perfect.Dont you miss me???baaaahhhhh.I am craving for you cardy.I dont want to replace it with a new one because I know that I can never find a new black cardy like you.How can I be so careless that I can lose my black cardy.My friends said that I look hot in you cardy,but now that you are gone,I can never be HOT again.hahahaha..ok,I am entertaining myself.Cardy,If I really couldnt find you,you better take care of yourself aite.I will forever miss you and I dare say it because I mean it.You mean alot to me but now you are gone.Oh how I will miss you cardy.Rest In Peace.I Love and I will Miss you Cardy.MUACKS!baaaahh!!baahhh!

Okie,I am off to school in a few hours time.will be meeting Izzi at the cck Lrt at 11 am.Well urm,to talk about yesterday incident.Mas finally figured out that all this while,the post that Izzi and me type is about her.And thank god she knew.So I read her blog.bla bla bla and whatever Mas.So I decided to reply her post and I blog.After I blogged,I asked Mas to read my blog and she does.So now,she knew how I felt towards her and I do really hope she understand because she create this problem so bare with the consequences kiez.I am not being mean to her but I just want her to learn her lesson because all this while she never learn from her mistakes and she always repeat the same mistake more than twice I can tell you.So,thats all about it.take care.

6:22 PM
Yours truly.

Hello bloggy.I have just came back from Jurong Library with Izzi but before we went to the library,my friends and I were at school studying.I study my chemistry and they study their biology.Well urm,met up with Mas today.I had no freaking idea on how to approach to her and told her what does my heart consist about her attitude.I have to say that my feelings towards Mas is totally different.I have no mood actually but I tried my best not to follow my mood so much or it will destroy my day.I hate people who lie and make up stories.I feel that they want the best attention from us.I have no freaking idea why must they need an EXTRA attention.Right now,I have to treat all my friends whom I consider them as one equally.I dont want to be one sided which is not very good.I want to treat everyone the same.Not even one of them is being treated a little bit different.And from now onwrds,I have made a promise to myself which is to try and study hard.Yup yup.I am trying my best to be a good lil girl and and I want to start to be myself at the very first time when I step into Fajar which is to be an active person in sports.I mean i love sports at a very young age.I play alot of sports and i really do enjoy playing them.But sadly to say that my Dad is not supportive about me being so active in all kinds of sports.So from that day onwards,i slack myself and soon I become so lazy to exercise.But I am not going to stop myself from doing what I like the best.i am going to continue to train and build up my stamina and then play all sorts of sports.Okie den.I am done here.Taking care people.

1:50 AM
Yours truly.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Hello bloggy,I had just came back from a picnic at east coast.I couldnt swim due to my freaking menses.I could only watched my family and cousins swim with their hearts out.I knew they were enjoying it to the maximum but i could only watch them with envy.The water is freaking tempting and how I wish i could jump into the water.Well all of us enjoyed our day at east coast.Its like a came back reunion after such a long time we have never been to east coast beach for a picnic.Well,Bibik went home first beacuse Cik Man had to returnd his taxi to the owner by 5 pm so Bibik left at 4 pm.So left my family and kak el's family.We were basically chilling ourselves,enjoying the breeze.I was observing kak el's family and I really envy them.They were very close and so sweet towards each other.Wak Ros,kak el's mother is indeed a very loving and understand mother.Kak el's boyfriend,Restu is there with them too.The bond between him and kak el's family is so close that kak el's family have already treated him as a part of their family.Isnt that cool.How I wish i could have an understanding parents.But I know i couldnt say like that.Every family is different so I basicaly couldnt compare my family to them.Every family have their own speciality.Infact,I am bless with e very religious family.I am very fortunate to have them as my family because they guide me through.Dad is a lovely father who loves his childrean alot.He sacrifes for his own family so as to give us happiness and good education for me,lil sis and my lil brother.I am very proud to have a father like him.He is very particular about religious thing and he never fails to accomplish his responsibility as an ideal father.mother is very lovely and understand too.She is the bestest mother in the world.She cook delicious meals for us and she simply care for us.I couldnt describe her loves towards her children but I know that I LOVE HER SO MUCH that I would give my life to her.She will have my support always and I am always happy to live under the same roof with my family.Thank god for blessing me with a great family.Last words,I LOVE MY FAMILY.. ;)

7:44 AM
Yours truly.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Changing My Life

I thought that I could change my life to a better one by turning myself to be a good and decent girl.I am trying my very best right now.I guess I am becoming more mature.I used to love being so wild because I thought people will look upon me differently.And for that,I started to smoke and mixed with the bad company.I lied to parents and I talked back to them.I really want things to go in my way and I just dont even care about anything.Once,I was so pissed that I dont want to come home.I asked my friend to fight with my enemy so that I could feelt very good about it.I used to love this word called revenge.I mixed around with guyfriends and I chilled out with them.I did crazy stuff but not as crazy as you guys thought.But today,i started to think differently.I dont find anything good being so wild.I told myself that I have my own religion and that is Muslim.And as a muslim I must know what is good and the bad things.So day by day,I started to chande myself.I try not to talk back to my parents,instead obeying them and respect them because I know that they deserve it.I stop smoking because I know that it is bad for health and I felt so stupid of myself to smoke because i knew that once,smoking is bad for health yet i still smoke.Isnt that stupid and selfish?Sacrifising myself and making my life span shorter?I promised myself not to do crazy stuff and that I will help all my friends and advise them if they need the advise.i dont aspect anything in return because I do it sincerely.Well urm,that is my theory right now.To be the best I can be and creating an interesting yet decent life.take care.

8:19 AM
Yours truly.

Friday, June 15, 2007

A Loner

Most probably,I have to say that I am a Loner.I have no one to share my problems to and talked things out.I have to say that I dont wish to have any bestfriends because right now,i dont even trust anyone.Basically,I hate liars and one of my friend whom I used to consider her as my good riends just lied to me,not once but more than twice.In friendship,I am looking for honesty.I hate friends who take advantages and who only comes to me when they are really having a big problem in their life.They took advantage of me being there for them when they are feeling down but when I felt so low that I need someone to talk to,no one could actually be there for me.I am not complaining but I just dont understand why this friend of mine lied to me.i gave her everything and more importantly,I gave her true friendship but she betrayed me.And today,i dont want to have any good freinds or closefriends or even bestfriends cause to me,no one will ever be honest.So I only want to make friends with people around me.I will not share my problem with them because I know that they have their own problems.And to Masliana,i just hope one day you will change aitez.i can no longer call you as my good friend because you used me.That is the simple thing I can say to you.before people start hating you,you might as well change your attitude and get back thier trust.Gaining back trust from your friends who dont even believe you anymore is not as easy as you think.People like m nd Izzi wont fall into your trap anymore so we are now being very careful and it is very hard for us to believe or trust evry words you said.I felt sorry for you because so many things had happened to you but you still behave the same way.i dont know how to advise you anymore but I hope my LAST advise to you will help you in improving your attitude aitez.I will always guide you along but the only different thing is that I am no longer your good friend and I will only look on you as my casual friends.I am sorry but this is my final choice.I've had enough of your nonsence and your exxagerating problems.Andsometimes I just thought that you are an ATTENTION SEEKER which is true.

9:28 PM
Yours truly.

I dont understand why Masliana can never change her attitude.I've known her since secondary one.I was very timid and shy so I do what was told by me.Masliana treat me like her own maid and surprisingly I gave everything that she want and I even obey whatever she said.I did that because I want to be her friend.I sacrifise most of my time sending her home after npcc training.I brought her npcc uniform for her and I totally respect her like she really deserved it a lot.That was when I was still in secondary one.When I reached secondary two,I treat her normally but abit different.I started to feel that thus time,she has gone too far and I told myself that i couldnt respect her like how I had respected her before.So I cut off my every friday job like sneding her home.I started to gave her excuses.At that point of time,I felt that she is not the type of friend that I am looking for.She took advantage of me.But i tiold myself not to end the friendship between us,afte all no one is perfect so i gave her chance.i respected her like i always so.And when I reached sec 3,I grew a little mature and I told myslef that i couldnt gave in to her anymore.So I started to be more strict towards her but still,I gave her the best friendship in me.People used to trust everything she said but the by day,people knew that she loves to create her own story and friends started to ignore her and hate her.i started to hate her too but I told myself to gave her the second chance and that i will try my best to gave her advises so that she will change and up till now,I still give her GOOD ADVISES but she NEVER listen to it.She LIED to me and Izzi and I am utterly dissapointed with her.i LOST my trust in her and I can never trust her again.I can only say that I want to be just FRIENDS with her.Not more than that.Im sad after what she had done to me and Izzi and i have to say right now that I dislike her.I HATE her attitude.She can NEVER change if she is not willing to change.No one can change her attitude except for herself.And now,Im done with her.No more giving in.Its just SO OVER.

6:43 AM
Yours truly.