It has been 2 days already but the wounds have yet to heal. My heart and feelings that is. He said he was sorry but that word no longer has its effect. It's no longer a catalyst that's suppose to speed up the rate of my broken heart.

I feel lonely, no doubt. My brain is not functioning at all. I opened the maths ten years series but I could do none. Thanks to my brain that is teeming with so many questions and also credits to my feelings that is so dampened. Nothing that I can do to cheer myself up. I danced, played carom, psp,listened to musics but none of them work.

Saying that he's sorry is different thing. I cannot see his effort of cheering me up. I'm down and he's talking to me on the phone as long as 30 secs. Tell me, will that help?? Oh god. Of course not. The last time he called me was at 12 noon and I heard nothing from him up till now. Yes, he is busy with his house painting. I understood. But I could not see the effort. No point saying sorry when he did NOTHING.

I am so disspointed and I could not really do anything much. I will be seeing him tomorrow for tutoring but I am not sure if I will be the happy and bubbly Irah when I meet him. I don't want to pretend anymore. I am hurt, so deeply. I felt as though a knife had just pierced through my heart. I swear. The pain is killing me and is taking all my energy away. Fuck that!!!!

I want my happiness back and I'm not sure that HE could return it back to me. Honestly, It's hard for me to trust his words anymore. He didn't mean it. If he really mean it, he do as what he had said even at any circumstances.


I am waiting for you to call. Always waiting.
I am waiting for you to make the move.
I am waiting for you to bring that same old smile on my face.
I am waiting for you to give me that looooong call.

I'll sit here.
Waiting patiently.
Don't make me wait that long.

I don't want to hurt myself.
I'm suffocate, really bad.

I hope you'll help me.
Help me untie all those entangle strings in me.
Please answer my aid. =(

How I really wish that things were like before, living in a world full of sunny shades and music. When we became together, it somehow completed the already beautiful picture. You were always warm and caring towards me and we were like the perfect couple, all my friends agreed. But good things certainly have a way of falling apart.

I am lost for words. I'm deeply hurt but can't figure out how to let it out. I'm confused, shock and many more. Must it be this way? Must it be this hurtful?? Must it be this mean?? What have I done wrong?? I don't know. I can't wet my cheeks anymore for there's no more tears left to cry for you. I'm missing you and I'm missing every single sweet memories we had shared together. I miss the old SYAH-REIN and the old 29/11/07. Must we be this way just because of O level? I don't understand. Make me understand. It's falling, swinging down. I guess, good things don't last forever.

I'm speechless and hurt.

In my life, I have one wish.

And my one and only wish is.....

To watch A WALK TO REMEMBER with my one and only shahrin. =)


I may be dissapointed or angry. I may be laughing. I may be happy. I may be sad and I may be cranky. I may be selfish or distraught. Whatever that I am feeling, my love towards Shahrin will never die. It's an undying love. I wish that my one and only wish will come true. Shahrin, I love you.

At times, looking at my dearest little brother really make me happy. I cannot deny that he still looks cute in my eyes eventhough he is primary 2 already. I admit that I love kissing his cheeks and also smell him. He has this lemak-santan-kelapa-muda smell and I couldn't resist it but to smell him everyday without fail. Skip this.


1) It has been different lately. You and Me. I seldom stay up too long with you at pondok because it's boring. Everytime I meet you, it's the same old place and also the same old people. I'm sure you are bored of it too right? Then same goes for me. That is the main reason why I have been going home quite early because we have nothing much to do. Sometimes, I do feel lonely. But don't bother about that, Irah will be fine. =)

2) God, I am tired of making choices. I'm fatigue. Living life the right way is never too easy I must say. I have to make alot of choices. RIGHT choice to be exact. Kicking my bad habits is expected to be tough for me. It is. I am so used to the way of living with it. But fret, I am going to change for the better because the way I am right now is not acceptable.

3) I am waiting patiently for the extinction of O level in my life. Hahaha. Living with it is such a disaster. 4 more months and it will be over soon. =)

4) I want to live my life to the fullest yet I feel so fatigue and lethargic. Of what? I, myself have no idea.

5) Last but not least, I need to get active. =)

One by one I pushed the exit door open. There were 3 doors needed to be open and when I opened the last door, I turned my head to the left and then to the right. I looked left but there were no sight of her. I looked on my right and I saw a crew of hip hop dancers and also a team of malay dancers. I walked towards them and I saw Zeemah, Ash, Zura and Wawa. I hugged Zeemah and gave the rest a hand gesture. But it was not them that I've been looking for.


After talking to them, I walked towards to the place where the malay dancers were practising. I glanced at them one by one hoping against hope that I will see her. While glancing, I saw a petite girl which is quite familiar to me. I could only see the back of her body because her head was looking at another direction. She was doing the malay dance movements when suddenly her head turned to my direction. I could not really recognised her face because it was covered with thick make ups but when I looked and squinted my eyes, I am sure that it was her, Raudhah. I shouted her name twice. First, she was not sure who was calling her and she did not response. Upon hearing my second called, she focused her eyes on me and shouted " Irah! ". Obviously, it was Raudhah and not someone else because she responded to me. I gave her the hand signal that I will be waiting for her inside West Mall Shopping Center, and she nodded.


I was already inside the mall waiting for her excitedly. From far, I could see the Malay Dancers and without any further a do, I walked towards them and tapped her shoulder. She turned and both of us shouted upon seeing each other. Her entire being was green and gold because she was wearing the Malay Traditional Clothes, the Kebaya. We hugged each other very tightly. I miss her. I felt a huge pan of satisfacetion after hugging her. It has been more than a month since I last meet her and miraculously, I did today. I felt so happy and seeing her made me feel so radiant. I miss her smile the most. It's as sweet as a candy.

I watched her performed and she danced gracefully. I enjoyed it. Sadly, I couldn't stay that long to chat with her and did some catch up. I had to go home straight after her performance. So before I went off, I text her telling her that I enjoyed her performance and am very glad to be able to meet her.


Our meet up was short but still, I met her. For once, I got to meet my long lost bestfriend and when I did, it was the most happiest moment ever. Raudhah, I miss you.

I seriously don't know where to start. I have dozens of things to blurt but where do I start? hahahahahaha. Hmmmmm. Okay. Here it goes.


Shahrin must be able to spot the differences in me. I am not like before. I am very quiet when I'm with him and I did not look so happy and radiant. To be honest, I have no idea why. I don't know what makes me so sad and dissapointed.


It had all started 4 days ago when I got stressed up over school. I called him over on the phone and asked him how is it like to have private tuition at Mercu. He told me is was not good at all and I shouldn't be thinking of joining the place. So I told him all my doubts about school and he started to give me advice. That's fine with me, but after a few minutes, I started to mute myself and just listen to him because his voice started to change, meaning that he's all tensed up already. As I already expected. Not wanting to push our conversation any further, we hung up. In my mind, why the hell must he got all tensed up when all I did was complaining about how far my school is and how I lost my interest in going to school. I seriously don't understand why. That left me with a huge question mark on my head. At night, we started to text each other regarding that and obviously, we ended up quarelling again about the same old topic. He said that I have too many problems and that he felt stressed. He told me that I made him confused, stressed and fuckt up. My brain started to pop with alot of questions for example, " all this while when I'm complaining or telling my problems at him, he feel stress? ". I started to feel distraught and my fortitude has weakened after all those arguement we had. I don't mind if we argue about different topics but it's the same old sub-heading. Maybe, inside his head was " she's thinking too much and still dwelling about the past. "


" Aper lagi u nak dari i nie!!! ". After I saw those sentence at my hp screen, I gave up.


I stop texting him and like usual, burst into tears. My fortitude has already weakened by then. I always want to share my problems with him, not wanting any solution but just a pair of listening ears will do. " alah, I bukan nyer nk kasi solution pon ". That was what he said during our phone conversation. I was thinking, did he ever bother about me anymore? and is it really my fault for thinking too much? is he sick and tired of me sharing problems with him? does he even care and bother to think about what I wrote at the letter??


I fell asleep after crying. The next day when I woke up, the first thing that came to my mind was " syahirah, stop telling your problems to shahrin. He has his own problems to think and don't double the load that he's carrying ". My heart sank when those thoughts came across my mind. Do I really have to do that?? Is it wrong complaining? After all, which girls doesn't complain? I may be different from any other girls but still, my status is GIRL. Not BOY.


I was disheartened and dissapointed, really. Over at class, I asked him if he feel stress when I share but he said no. He was stress only because he couldnt gave me the solution to my problems. That is where I stop and talked to myself that I really need to stop sharing because that will stress him out. I really don't want an answer from him.


So yeah, my decision was final. I am not going to share it with him anymore in order to avoid quarelling and of course, I don't want to make him feel stressed and fuck up.


I've been quiet for quite sometimes already and believe me, it's painful. I am so used to talk to him and share with him but now I can't and I dont want to. I felt the lost inside. I am a burden to him because he made me feel that I asked too much from him. Did I?? So this is the part where I started to hang out with my girlfriends and not clinging to him anymore. I felt that my presence in his life somehow make him feel stress and I also felt that I am snatching someone's son. I don't want to be the caused of anything. I want him to be stress free. That is the reason why I stop calling him that much and keep our conversation short. I want him to spend his quality time with his family. I don't want his family to think otherwise. Obviously, I miss all those great moments we had shared together. But I guess, things have to change. I dont want him to feel stress and disturb his mind from doing well in his O level this year.


I miss Shahrin. I keep myself busy everday. Only god knows how hard I am trying to pull myself up and get the hang of this situation. If not because of Allah, I won't be very strong. I believe in him and that makes me feel secured.


I want things to get better. Insya'allah.

It was a serene day for me today. I went to school without any doubts and I enjoyed talking to my friends. I began to appreciate friends no matter how mischievious they can be. I was in a buoyant spirits, I swear.


Those buoyant spirits cling on to me through out the day until I met boyfriend. The feelings started to crumbled when I first saw boyfriend's sight. I was distraught. I gave a long sigh before proceeding over to meet him. Those hurtful words he had uttered appeared in my mind and that made me feel half-hearted to see him. From a distance, I could see him sitting down on the library floor while doing his maths assesment book. Half of me felt like giving him a hug from behind and forget about whatever he had said but the another half of me still dwell on those harsh words that eventually made me feel reluctant to stay cheerful.


I proceed over to him and gave him the hand gesture I used to give. He smiled. His smile is the sweetest smile I have ever seen yet, I still felt sad deep within. He doesn't have to know it. We chatted for awhile and then he packed his bag and we made our way over to the coffeeshop we usually go for our breakfast. It was there that I started to show attitude. He observed me and asked me why in the hell did I behave that way. I mute myself, not wanting to speak. The only word I uttered was " nothing ". That is when the cold war started between the two of us. We were practically silent until we reached the study corner located at Bukit Batok.


We were both busy doing our maths when I paused for awhile and stole a glanced at him, without him noticing it. When I looked and stared at him, I felt the burden of guilt weighing down on me for not talking to him that much and for showing improper attitudes. I did not even blink my eyes while staring at him. I just love to stare at him. It gives me the sensation of a beautiful feelings that no one could ever feel except for me. I really did not want to be rude with him. I want to feel happy with him and I want to feel love by him, but I was too dissapointed.When I first looked at him, I just felt like smiling at him, hugging him, kissing him on his cheeks and be happy with him but when I took a second glanced, my heart sank down on the floor. I wanted him to be the person for me to share all my doubts, problems,secrets and more but whenever I did, I somehow make him feel so stressed up. I feel that I am giving him a big headache when I share my thoughts and feelings with him. Do I really have alot of problems?? I seriously don't want a solution from him, I just want a pair of listening ear. I have alot of complains you see but after all those arguments I had with him, I don't think I want to share anymore. Yeah, people have their own problems so why share our problems with them. I don't want to double the load that boyfriend's carrying. I want him to be stress free. Kenapelah aku ni suker sangat share problem kat rein. Haiyaaaaa. Maybe I really have no one else to share except for him. I pity him. That is the reason why I don't want to share my feelings, thought and problems anymore unless he's able to. No doubt, I will always be there to hear all his problems. I loooove to hear people's problems so that I can help them. =)


After a few minutes of staring at him, I guess I just have to let go all my dissapointment. So I stopped what I was doing and when over to him and hugged him from behind. I felt a huge pang of satisfaction. I miss him alot. I really can't describe how I felt when I hugged him but it's the bestest feeling I've ever encounter. I felt relief. Behind all those sadness of mine, I really do miss all the happy moments we had together when sharing was not a problem at all. After all, I really do love him so much. I really want us to be the most understanding couple and of course the most happy and closest couple of all. I want to share all of my happiness and sorrowness with him but I guess, happiness is enough. Let me alone encounter my sorrowness if I have one, in the future to come.


Haaizz. I hate it this way. Who doesnt?? Every girls want their boyfriends to be the only person whom they can share all their thoughts and feelings. Nevermind, I will get hang of it. =)


Alright then. I'll stop here for now and continue i-dont-know-when. hahahaha. Toodles.

It's Tuesday already and we are still out of schedule. Despite going to west coast, I tried studying over at his place but out to no avail. I failed to discipline myself. 30 mins of practising mensuraton and then I started to feel restless. Boyfriend was still soundly asleep.


Never did we thought that disciplining ourselves is a very tedious job to do. We tend to follow our heart more than our mind. Talked on the phone with boyfriend just a few minutes back and we both agreed that we MUST discipline one another. It's okay to make mistakes so that we can learn from it and never repeat it.

I'm out of schedule already. Dissapointed. It's the first day and I have already messed it up. Nevermind, I'll learn from today's mistakes.

Boyfriend is infront of me now, practising maths. I'm proud of him. He has little tuition class to attend and learn yet he never fail to practice and study on his own. He is very discipline is some way. =) Aaaaww. I love him okayy. *wink*.

I forgot to bring my pencil case along with me and as a result, I don't feel like practising maths at all. Haaaah!!! Thanks Alot BRAIN for forgetting to remind me to bring my pencil case. hmfth!! Whatever it is, I have TUESDAY in order for me to make up what I did not practice today. =) I will be having O level listening comprehension tomorrow over at Unity Secondary school. I detest that school.

I am having the worst mentrual cramp ever. Extreme mentrual cramp. I have just eaten 2 pain relief panadols and I am feeling much better now, but trust me, the cramp might strike me again once the paracetamol wears off.

BOYFRIEND, thousands and millions of apology if I showed attitude today. I know you might think that I am always making mentrual cramp as an excuses but I really hope that you could believe me that I am not. The cramp is true, it exist. I can't be happy and cheerful when I am irritated by the pain. If only you could feel how I feel, it would be great so that you will know I am not making excuses. I am controlling it but it's never easy. I get jealous easily. I'm sure you know that I'm not the type of girl who gets jealous easily when I'm not having menses right? But this pms makes me feel jealous even when I saw you playing around with my friends. It's just so hard to be a girl okayy. Having so many kinds of feelings yet controlling it, it's hard. I don't think any other girls whould bother. But I know I can do it and I know I am not like any other girls. I am sure you feel it too yeah? I am simple and I want to stay that way. chey!! Promote diri sendiri keper!! Na'uh!! I am not, okayy. And OF COURSE, you are different from any other guys. I am so lucky to have you here with me. You arent like the "pondok" guys and because know which is right and which is wrong. Kudos to your parents. They succeed to train you to be this way, and I'm so proud of you. Don't ever let your parents down okayy. Bare with my cranky attitudes a little longer. Everything will settle down yeah. Just don't ignore me. I hate ignorance during my pms mood. I don't want to stay like this forever. haaaa!!!! Ok hush.


A new revolution for me with effect from tomorrow. haaaa!! I hope I can achieve it. =) Insya'allah.

I noticed something in me. The life I'm living right now is totally different from the life I had lived for the past 2 years.


I hardly spend my times with my friends and surprisingly, I do not even miss them at all. I have a valid reasons for that. I only hang out with then only if I feel like doing so. Most of the time, I spend it with boyfriend, studying and slacking. Somehow, I just prefer it to be that way. Simple but fun. Abit boring sometimes. Amid those times I spent with boyfriend, I am also aware that I am no longer close with my babes or even depend on them. They dissapoint me countless of time. This is where I stop and give myself a hard slap on my face telling myself to move on and stop being so nice to them. I succeeded.


That is one of the difference I spot in my life now. Besides that, I am also aware that I have becoming more and more lazy. I was assault with lazyness very frequently. I hardly go school but hey, that does not mean that I hardly study at all or worse, show that I do not care about my O level. I know what I am doing. I am proud to say that I did so much better in my mid year compare to those who come to school regularly. Actually, it's not about how frequent you come to school. It's about how much effort you put in your studies. I may not be in school regularly but I did revise regularly. I am trying to keep up with it. Right now, I am trying my best to push myself hard and attend chemistry class on every Wednesday and also attending science practical lessons on alternate Wednesday and Thursday. I am working on it hard but nothing shown. LOL. So that truly shows that I am not trying my best. lol. Believe me, it is very hard for me to go school because I am extremely lazy to drag my ass off to school which is located far away from my house. That worsen the condition. lol. I may look relax on the outside but behind an innocuous-looking face on mine, my heart is throbbing and my mind is teeming with the word O'level. It's hard to live with it.


Alright then. I'm off to clean myself and then start my revision. Taking care.

Nothing could have really make me happier rather than to be beside you, boyfriend.I fall in love with you days after days. Those times we had is the bestest gift I could have ever received.





YOU changed me into a person whom I never thought I could be. Strict you are but deep down, I know you have reasons for that. It's all for my own good. You taught me to be patience and you seriously showed me what real love looks like. You teach me what is wrong and what is right.





Sometimes, I went out of control and demand more from you. But you never failed to impress me. I love you soo much from deep within and I hope you can see that. We fought sometimes but what's relationship without it, yeah?





Our loev is never an illusion. Reality, that is. Since the day you came into my life, I have this strong feeling that YOU are my Mr. Right who will guide me in my life, through thick and thin. You never failed to teach me to appreciate what we already have in this world. You also never failed to teach me that there is no easy path in this humble world of God. You teach me things that other boyfriends did not teach. Therefore, YOU ARE SPECIAL.





YOU really mean alot to me, thousands and millions alot. And I have never love someone soo much till I met you. I'll give you my whole life and YOU are the key to every of my success for everything I do, I do it for you. Don't dissapoint me for I will never dissapoint you.