I seriously don't know where to start. I have dozens of things to blurt but where do I start? hahahahahaha. Hmmmmm. Okay. Here it goes.


Shahrin must be able to spot the differences in me. I am not like before. I am very quiet when I'm with him and I did not look so happy and radiant. To be honest, I have no idea why. I don't know what makes me so sad and dissapointed.


It had all started 4 days ago when I got stressed up over school. I called him over on the phone and asked him how is it like to have private tuition at Mercu. He told me is was not good at all and I shouldn't be thinking of joining the place. So I told him all my doubts about school and he started to give me advice. That's fine with me, but after a few minutes, I started to mute myself and just listen to him because his voice started to change, meaning that he's all tensed up already. As I already expected. Not wanting to push our conversation any further, we hung up. In my mind, why the hell must he got all tensed up when all I did was complaining about how far my school is and how I lost my interest in going to school. I seriously don't understand why. That left me with a huge question mark on my head. At night, we started to text each other regarding that and obviously, we ended up quarelling again about the same old topic. He said that I have too many problems and that he felt stressed. He told me that I made him confused, stressed and fuckt up. My brain started to pop with alot of questions for example, " all this while when I'm complaining or telling my problems at him, he feel stress? ". I started to feel distraught and my fortitude has weakened after all those arguement we had. I don't mind if we argue about different topics but it's the same old sub-heading. Maybe, inside his head was " she's thinking too much and still dwelling about the past. "


" Aper lagi u nak dari i nie!!! ". After I saw those sentence at my hp screen, I gave up.


I stop texting him and like usual, burst into tears. My fortitude has already weakened by then. I always want to share my problems with him, not wanting any solution but just a pair of listening ears will do. " alah, I bukan nyer nk kasi solution pon ". That was what he said during our phone conversation. I was thinking, did he ever bother about me anymore? and is it really my fault for thinking too much? is he sick and tired of me sharing problems with him? does he even care and bother to think about what I wrote at the letter??


I fell asleep after crying. The next day when I woke up, the first thing that came to my mind was " syahirah, stop telling your problems to shahrin. He has his own problems to think and don't double the load that he's carrying ". My heart sank when those thoughts came across my mind. Do I really have to do that?? Is it wrong complaining? After all, which girls doesn't complain? I may be different from any other girls but still, my status is GIRL. Not BOY.


I was disheartened and dissapointed, really. Over at class, I asked him if he feel stress when I share but he said no. He was stress only because he couldnt gave me the solution to my problems. That is where I stop and talked to myself that I really need to stop sharing because that will stress him out. I really don't want an answer from him.


So yeah, my decision was final. I am not going to share it with him anymore in order to avoid quarelling and of course, I don't want to make him feel stressed and fuck up.


I've been quiet for quite sometimes already and believe me, it's painful. I am so used to talk to him and share with him but now I can't and I dont want to. I felt the lost inside. I am a burden to him because he made me feel that I asked too much from him. Did I?? So this is the part where I started to hang out with my girlfriends and not clinging to him anymore. I felt that my presence in his life somehow make him feel stress and I also felt that I am snatching someone's son. I don't want to be the caused of anything. I want him to be stress free. That is the reason why I stop calling him that much and keep our conversation short. I want him to spend his quality time with his family. I don't want his family to think otherwise. Obviously, I miss all those great moments we had shared together. But I guess, things have to change. I dont want him to feel stress and disturb his mind from doing well in his O level this year.


I miss Shahrin. I keep myself busy everday. Only god knows how hard I am trying to pull myself up and get the hang of this situation. If not because of Allah, I won't be very strong. I believe in him and that makes me feel secured.


I want things to get better. Insya'allah.